I’m a little slow today because it’s a real pretty day for the first time in a damn long time, so haul out your pocket calculators and have some fun while I catch some rays.

This right here is Louie Gohmert’s FEC filing. It’s what he spent his campaign contributions on.

Questions I have:

1. How many phones does he have? Where does he keep that many phones?

2. How much did Louie have to pay a black man to appear with him to prove that Louie knows a black man?

3. How many people can you feed barbeque to for $6668.37? Do that many people live in Terrell, Texas, or were undocumented workers fed, too?

4. New York City? How much money did Louie spend in New Damn York City?

5. What is a “cooler can” and why does it cost $1650.60?

6. He has an airline ticket for $1775.80. Where did he go? Better yet, he has an airplane ticket for $10 and I wanna know where he went for $10 so I can avoid it.

7. He bought a computer, camera, print and supplies at Best Buy. Are the odds of him knowing how to use any of that better than 50/50?

8. He had “auto repair” at $500. How many times have you had auto repair that came out an exact number like that? More or less than never?

9. Why does he need two satellite radios? Does he think he needs that in stereo?

10. Why does his staff get pizza but he dines at The Capitol Hill Club for $1,500 a month? Do you think the staff will try to poison him when they find this out? Do you know how to get in touch with his staff?

Thanks for all your help in this matter. I’m outta here in flip flops and a jacket.