There are several things that scare the crap outta me before I’ve even had my first cup of coffee in the morning, and of those things, this is #1.

This headline. This one right here. In the morning newspaper.

On the truthiness side, it most certainly would have to be God calling him because nobody else sure the hell is.

While most of you were ignoring him, I have been keeping an eye on Tom ever since he got indicted, mainly because he lives down the road from me and until they prove that sleazy is not contagious, I am keeping my distance.

Once he left Congress, Tom tried one scheme after another to make money. Most of them would make a monthly posting on his website before the scheme flopped and crashed, until he finally got down to just begging money off a damn street corner. Click the little one to see the big one.

The guy has quit everything he ever tried – the exterminating business, congress, Dancing With the Stars, the book writing circuit … he’s a whiner and wimp and that’s the damn truth.

In case you were wondering, Tom DeLay hasn’t found Jesus. It’s just his sideshow. He says Jesus tells him to do things and then he doesn’t have to accept responsibility when he falls on his face. Also, it sounds a whole lot better than “my Momma said I have to ….”

So now he’s leading a revolution. Thank you, Pancho Villa.

Former Texas congressman Tom DeLay called on members of the Texas Patriot Tea Party on Tuesday night to join him in a revolution for the Constitution, to “shut down” every part of federal government that is not specifically based on the Constitution.

“It’s time for a constitutional renewal, a constitutional revival,” DeLay said in Burleson, adding that this revival is inherently linked to a “spiritual awakening” he sees happening across the country. He said conservatives have allowed “the left to intimidate us, cut off our heads, put us in prison.”

Holy crap, Dude, that was you. You led the conservatives. You’re late to the Tea Party game. You invented the politics of personal destruction and now you’re leading a revolution against it? Don’t you get dizzy sometime?

And here’s the part that makes me giggle like a little girl.

“It’s time for a revolution,” DeLay said. “I am not advocating for revolution in the streets. But if that’s what it takes … ”

Oh Tom, oh Honey, you’re 5′ 4″, chubby, 67 years old, balding, and have had a face lift or two. Just think how fabulous you’re gonna look taking it to the streets.

Plus, Tom was in Burleson, Texas, making this speech.

I go to Burleson every now and then because I like being the youngest person in town. Burleson is 95.62 white and the median income for a family is $50,432. Yeah, for sure, those people need to be supporting the Tea Party.

Tom has a plan to gain control of the government by having the Tea Party win the House because “the House controls the purse strings.” He also warned them to protect Ted Cruz.

“You will lose Ted Cruz. They will destroy him if you don’t support him,” DeLay warned.

No, no, no, Darlin’, we’re sitting on our hands because Ted Cruz is doing a perfectly competent job of destroying himself.

So the bottom line is that Tom DeLay has a new gig – he wants to make money by selling God and the Constitution. Break a leg, Tom.

Oh, and Tom compares his years of being indicted and convicted to being like Moses in the wilderness. He better watch that Messiah Complex because I think Ted Cruz has the third coast distribution rights on it.

Tom, while you were away, our cow died. So we won’t be needing your bull anymore.