Late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel had a lot of GOP chicanery from the weekend to cover during his Monday night monologue.
He touched base on Donald Trump’s hush money trial, the “privately” held meeting he had with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, the fruitless messaging of Trump’s progeny, Trump’s anxiety over losing some of his wacky voters to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and avowed “puppy killer” Gov. Kristi Noem.
Kimmel began by throwing jabs at Trump's courtroom happy birthday wishes to his absent wife Melania.
"How sweet. You know, you could also call her on the phone?” Kimmel said. “How oblivious do you have to be to wish your wife a happy birthday outside the courtroom where you're on trial for paying off a porn star?"
As for Trump’s private meeting with former punching bag DeSantis at Mar-a-Lago, Kimmel reported it seems to have been a success.
"The team said they knew the meeting went well when DeSantis came out of the room with Trump's body bronzer all over his face," Kimmel said, adding that DeSantis seems to have promised to be a fundraiser for Trump. "What a pathetic little worm.”
“They say he did it because he wants to run for president again in 2028,” Kimmel said. “What he doesn't realize is Trump is also going to be running for president again in 2028."
Kimmel did acknowledge that even having DeSantis out there stumping for you is an improvement from Trump’s current surrogates, like his son Eric.
After showing a clip of Eric complaining about the trial, whining about how you can’t buy “skin lotion” at a Duane Reed or CVS pharmacy because of crime, Kimmel gives it to him straight.
"Listen, kid, I don't know how to put it to you, but your father thinks your name is Derek," he said.
Over the weekend, Trump became obsessed with attacking RFK Jr., possibly realizing that polls show the third-party candidate might be more of a threat to him than to President Joe Biden. Kimmel even presented a visual aid to explain it.
"You can see the overlap here,” he joked.
“Trump needs to do everything he can to protect the crazy vote," Kimmel added.
Kimmel saved the grotesque for last: vice presidential hopeful, Gov. Kristi Noem of South Dakota. More specifically, the uproar over excerpts from her book where she somewhat sociopathically described killing a hunting dog, who she failed to train, and a family goat she simply did not like.
Kimmel described Noem’s failed damage control, which included releasing a statement about how she had also recently put down family horses.
"Just to recap for those who were horrified: she shot a puppy and a goat, and she would like you to know she also shoots horses," he said. "She has at least a dozen people working for her, probably more. Not one of those dozen or dozens of people raised a hand, 'Governor, do you think maybe it's not a great idea to share that story about shooting a whole petting zoo at your house?'"
Then Kimmel played a promotional video that Noem shot to promote living in South Dakota, but he added the sound of a dog barking in the background, with Noem shooting the dog off screen.
"And that is the end of Kristi, no?” Kimmel said. “Even Trump won't pick up a puppy killer, right?"
