A funeral home worker responsible for transporting dead bodies in a Nebraska county is suspected of having an "intimate encounter" with a life-sized doll he found in the apartment of a deceased person, according to court records. Via The Smoking Gun:

Investigators say Ryan Smith, 41, and a colleague were dispatched last week to a home at the Rock Creek Apartments in Omaha to collect the body of an individual who died there.

"Near the body on the bed was a very real life size" sex doll, an investigator reported.

Police allege that Smith subsequently called the property manager and claimed that the local sheriff had asked him to remove the sex doll "to collect swabs for biopsy."

So judgy! Get your mind out of the gutter, maybe just he wanted to give her a Pap smear!

But the manager said no. He later returned to the apartment to discover that Smith was still inside the unit (which had been locked with a deadbolt and chain).

Well! After Smith left the apartment with his shirt untucked and his pants in disarray, the way they get sometimes, the property manager called the cops. A deputy collected the doll to have her processed for DNA.

BUT SHE WAS AGE APPROPRIATE! IT WAS LOVE!

Smith was fired from his job. Destroyed by a tragedy, just like Romeo and Juliet.