Axios is the news site for people who have attention span issues. Everything is reported in bullet points so people won't have to be stressed by reading whole paragraphs with supporting facts and things. They're also supposed to report...you know...news.

Here are some things that are news today:

• Biden walks the picket line with UAW strikers
• Republicans are hurtling toward a government shutdown
• Judge rules Donald Trump defrauded banks and insurers by overstating the values of his properties
• Supreme Court won't let Alabama use their one-Black-majority district maps
• Hunter Biden sues Rudy Giuliani

Those are all important stories and they're only a few of the most important ones. The government shutdown has stories within stories, like McCarthy aligning with hard-liners to cut the social safety net and starve already-hungry kids, for example.

But, and I kid you not, this is what Axios is running at the top of their front page as a "scoop."

Yep, that's right. Democrats don't want Biden to take a fall as the result of arthritis he has in his back and foot. Seriously, Alex Thompson of Axios breathlessly reports that "Biden works out many mornings with physical therapist Drew Contreras, who also worked with former President Obama. Biden's doctor has recommended exercises for balance, which he called "proprioceptive maintenance maneuvers." What the maneuvers entail is unclear." writes bullet-point Alex.

Thompson goes on to quote a USC professor: "I have never heard the term 'proprioceptive maintenance maneuvers.' It is not a clinical term in standard use," said Professor James Gordon, associate dean and chair of the Division of Biokinesiology and Physical Therapy at the University of Southern California.

Which is kind of weird, because I used the Google just like anyone else on the internets can and I got this right from Healthline.com:

Proprioception, also known as kinesthesia, is the ability to sense and freely move your body and limbs in your external environment. Having this kinesthetic awareness is important for day-to-day living and vital for sports performance.

If you’ve ever noticed the difference between grass and cement on the bottom of your feet or felt a grocery bag become heavier as you fill it with apples, you’ve experienced proprioception.

Proprioception can worsen with age, injury, or disease, making daily tasks harder and increasing your risk of injury and falls. Fortunately, adding proprioception training exercises to your routine can lower your risk of injury and improve your fitness levels.

NEWS FLASH: The probability of falling increases as we age. And also, the risk of serious injury also increases. This was, by the way, already disclosed in Biden's health reports regularly released by his doctor each year.

Meanwhile, you'd think that Trump calling for the execution of General Milley would be something media would be looking at. It's a deranged and sick thing to say, but there's no reason to assume he wouldn't try to carry it out.

Or even this, which is completely deranged and also a blatant effort to work the refs:

If it's hard to read, here is the text: "They are almost all dishonest and corrupt, but Comcast, with is one-side and vicious coverage by NBC NEWS, and in particular MSNBC, often and correctly referred to as MSDNC (Democrat National Committee!) should be investigated for its "Country Threatening Treason." Their endless coverage of the now fully debunked SCAM known as Russia, Russia, Russia, and much else, is one big Campaign Contribution to the Radical Left Democrat party. I say up front, openly, and proudly, that when I WIN the Presidency of the United States, they and others of the LameStream Media will be thoroughly scrutinized for their knowingly dishonest and corrupt coverage of people, things, and events. Why should NBC, or any other of the corrupt & dishonest media companies, be entitled to use the very valuable Airwaves of the USA, FREE? They are a true threat to Democracy and are, in fact, THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! The Fake News Media should pay a big price for what they have done to our once great Country."

This is flatly deranged. A former president and candidate for future president is singling out one network to make an example of many for reporting facts, while threatening to boot them from the airwaves, before declaring them an "enemy of the people." And yet, that very same media shrugs and moves on, with crickets where reporting should be. That very same media is obsessed with President Biden's age while failing to note that his top opponent is three years younger and clearly demonstrates cognitive issues at every rally. As an example:

We seriously have the worst media in the world.

Here's a protip for Alex Thompson: No one past the age of 50 wants to fall. No one wants to injure themselves. So we do things like exercises and wear shoes that are safer so we don't. It's not fucking news at all.

Now go read Evan Hurst* at Wonkette to laugh at this. I'm not capable of it. I'm too mad.

(*The author apologizes for wrongly crediting Doktor Zoom with Evan Hurst’s very excellent article)