UPDATE: He resigned rather than get ousted by his own colleagues. -- eds.

Not making this up! Meet Texas GOP state Rep. Bryan Slaton:

Slaton is known as one of the most conservative members in the chamber, frequently rankling House leaders, and this year fought a losing battle to amend House rules to prohibit Democrats from leading legislative committees. The issue has been a major concern for ultraconservative grassroots Republicans who do not want Democrats leading key legislative debates.

Last year, he called for a blanket ban on minors at drag shows, saying it was necessary to protect children from “perverted adults.” He has also proposed giving property tax cuts to straight, married couples — but not same-sex couples or those who have been divorced — based on the number of children they have.

So it came as a surprise to his colleagues that he allegedly had sex with a House intern virgin who showed up to the pharmacy the next day to pick up plan B contraception. I'm guessing Bryan doesn't know the meaning of "condoms." Or "consent."

The words "several drinks of rum and coke" appear in the SIXTEEN-PAGE report about the legislature's um, "concerns" about Slayton's behavior toward the nineteen-year-old.

And his lawyer said, "...complaints should be dismissed because the behavior occurred in Slaton’s Austin residence, not the workplace."

I mean, nice try, and "my client took the barely legal intern to his condo before he got her drunk and took her virginity bareback" isn't the flex you think it is, counselor!

And in addition to the multiple Class A misdemeanors in the report, we also learn that Slaton did a thing called "witness intimidation":

In one instance, Slaton showed the aide a supposedly anonymous email he had received from someone saying they knew the representative and the aide had sex but that “nothing would happen as long as her and her friends keep quiet.” The aide told the committee that she understood the email to be a “threat,” but also suspected Slaton may have fabricated the email. She said she believed it was sent from a Slaton Financial Services address, where Slaton works outside the Legislature.

And now he's been expelled from the Legislature because they had to "protect the integrity and dignity of this legislative body." But The Texas Tribune's gotta admit that "The Legislature has struggled to shake a long-held reputation that lawmakers tolerate sexual harassment, especially toward women."

We must assume that working for "Slaton Financial Services" means he won't get fired unless there's a family company policy against, you know, using work email for witness intimidation.

I'm sure Bryan Slaton is telling his mirror that he is 'not perfect, just forgiven.' He's also out of office. Bless his heart.