Russian Oligarchs Whining Is The Funniest Thing I've Seen All Day

By Red Painter — March 27, 2022

Russian oligarchs are feeling the pain of sanctions and their pain and tears give me life. Financial Times has an unintentionally funny article that is meant to elicit sympathy but actually brings nothing but mockery and laughter.

It starts off with a story of grit and determination, of a desire to stay alive amid the falling bombs and missiles and shelling of civilians. Wait, no, it starts with a rich guy running around to every ATM machine he can to take cash out before his Russian accounts get frozen. He isn't hiding from military hit squads - he is trying to maintain his upper class lifestyle in London. This guy, Petr Aven, is worth $4.5 BILLION pounds (or just under $6 BILLION USD) used to be an academic, politician and businessman and now he says he does not know if he can pay any of his bills. Oh, he's also reportedly the head of Alfa Bank.

NO CAVIAR FOR YOU!

He whined to FT, "Our business is completely destroyed. Everything which we were building for 30 years is now completely ruined. And we have to somehow start a new life.”

I literally could not stop laughing when he said this: “Will l be allowed to have a cleaner, or a driver? I don’t drive a car . . . maybe my stepdaughter will drive. We don’t understand how to survive."

YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT DRIVING? How about surviving without a house, water, food, heat, knowing if your parents alive, a hospital if you need to give birth, basic medical care? You are whining about not having a DRIVER to chauffeur your spoiled, rich, Russian a$$ around?

In case there was even a modicum of pity for Poor Old Petr, FT reports that he was "pictured with President Vladimir Putin in the Kremlin alongside other oligarchs on the day that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine started last month, has been accused by the EU and UK of being close to the Russian president as a director of Alfa-Bank. Aven is a prominent Russian businessman and pro-Kremlin oligarch,” said the UK’s office of financial sanctions implementation.

So, this guy is right in line with Putin.

Twitter had thoughts:

It jumps out at me how much he sounds like southern enslavers in the US in the immediate aftermath of the Civil War, recognizing they relied on enslaved people for everything, and feeling hard done by that they were no longer going to be calling all the shots.

— Heather Cox Richardson (TDPR) (@HC_Richardson) March 27, 2022

i'm gonna need a smaller violin https://t.co/k4ukllKVCh

— Lily Mars (@LilyMarsWrites) March 27, 2022

I had to triple-check that this wasn't @TheOnion

— FunBobby (@FunBobby) March 25, 2022

In the stunning West End revival of "Fiddler on the Penthouse Roof," Petr Aven brings the audience to tears with his dirge-like rendition of "If I Were a Poor Man."

— Howard Gensler (@DNTattle) March 27, 2022

This Petr Aven guy is so out of touch that he thinks having no driver and no cleaner while being practically made out of money is "suffering" and "oppression." Cry me a river, Petr.

— PrinceWatercress (@PrinceWatercres) March 27, 2022

I have zero sympathy for this grown man with zero life skills. My sympathy is all saved up for the Ukrainians who are literally fighting in the streets for their lives and their country with little food and water, often no heat or electricity and many with no military training. Learn to do your own driving.

OPEN THREAD BELOW