i'M fInE hOw aRE yOu
Here ish todaysh liszt of fast-brreakkingt newz storeeez pleqaz make it shtopppp
*cough*
Well, it's certainly been a busy day here at Crooks and Liars dot com, and since we live to serve our readership, here's a handy summary of the news stories (not already on our site) that broke just since your afternoon coffee break!
1. Looks like Herr Twitler is all-powerful after all, at least when it comes to the stock market. CNBC reported that Dear Leaders tweets have a measurable effect on the bond market, particularly when he's hammering other countries, like China, on trade. I know. Shocking. J.P. Morgan has created an index to measure it and named it the "Volfefe Index." So, the real shock is that the folks at J.P. Morgan have a sense of humor.
2. We learned a little something about the Chinese spy who was caught sneaking around Mar-a-Lago from Scott Stedman:
So, since the Trump event was cancelled, go meet the "big potatoes" that Bill and Hillary Clinton know, Gorgeous!
3. Senate Democrats are sticking it to the NRA where it hurts them most. In the Taxes.
4. In impeachment news, Trump's envoys to Ukraine drafted a statement to try to coerce President Zelensky to commit to investigating the Bidens. One of the three envoys pushed back, calling it "crazy."
5. Speaking of envoys to Ukraine, Kurt Volker's testimony on the Hill today lasted 9.5 hours.
6. Rudy Colludy pushed Trumpy Bear to have the actual, ethical Ambassador to Ukraine removed because he viewed her as an obstacle to their dreams of extortion. Marie Yovanovich was fired in May 2019, which led the whistleblower to have heightened concern.
7. You know there's another whistleblower, right? This one has to do with the IRS, and claims a Treasury political appointee tried to interfere with the audits of Trump and Mike Pence.
8. You know how Donnie flat-out did the "China, if you're listening..." move today on the White House lawn? Turns out he did that back in June, too, on a phone call with President Xi — the notes to which are, guess where? On that super-secret code-word-protected server.
9. Trump's trying to privatize Medicare, while he's at it...because OF COURSE HE IS. He says he's "protecting" us from Medicare For All. With protection like that...
10. In the "Dropping Like Flies" category, Energy Secretary Rick Perry is said to be resigning in the next month or so. Awwwwwwww.
11. Last, but certainly not least, because, hey! It's only 9 pm here on the east coast! We got three whole hours left to go! Remember Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker? He's stumping for some politician in Kosovo. On an anti-corruption platform. The guy who ran a scam company based on spotting Bigfoot.
I need my blankie.
