File this under "You can't make this up."

Alan Dershowitz is now in the middle of the firestorm after SDNY indicted his client on sex trafficking charges. All reports show Dershowitz vociferously defended Jeffrey Epstein during the now-infamous plea deal that Alex Acosta agreed to in 2008. It's safe to bet he spent a lot of time at Epstein's mansion, preparing that defense.

The Miami Herald's Julie K. Brown has uncovered the stories of at least 80 underage girls whom Epstein recruited to his house of horrors at one time or another for his and others' pleasure.

Yesterday, Axios' Jonathan Swan was just floored when Dershowitz told them he did get a massage at Epstein's residence but it was from a very "old, old Russian woman."

Swan had the same reaction that we all did which is "What the hell is going on?" It's insane.

Now Dershowitz is adding more details to his story and it's not doing him a lick of good. I can never un-watch this or rinse out my brain, and neither can you.

Epstein's butler testified under oath that Dershowitz was present when underage girls were around, according to court filings.

In an interview via Skype, Dershowitz insisted he never saw an underage girl at Epstein's house, but was worked on by an older lady. Huh?

"Were there young women in another part of the house giving massages when I wasn't around? I have no idea of that," he said.

"I kept my underwear on during the massage," Dershowitz went on to stammer. "I don't like massages particularly."

First of all, It's not the massage that's the issue but the sexual abuse and rape of underage girls that are at issue. Secondly, there's no way he's telling the truth. He's hemming and hawing like a kid caught red-handed with stolen candy.

Dershowitz is approaching Trump-level creepiness. He should stop talking about it altogether, the way he'd tell a client to do.